The Man, the Myth, the Real-Life Action Figure Hero

I wouldn’t make a very good action figure. The most dangerous thing I do is arrive to the airport 5 minutes before boarding. And sometimes I eat more graham crackers than the packaging recommends.

Now Ranger Bob? He was a real live action hero.

He was larger than life, nonchalantly doing impossible things everyday. Things that when retold, sound like impossible folklore. Like walking miles to a hospital carrying the rattlesnake that had just bitten him. Predicting the weather with more pinpoint accuracy than a doppler radar. Or knowing the exact perfect moment to impart sage wisdom and advice.

Of course, he would have never considered his words wise or even advice; they were an integral part of his life, like oxygen for breathing. His spidey sense was the uncanny ability to know when you were struggling with a challenge or problem. Then, he’d sneak up when you’d least expect it. Almost like an ambush of goodwill. Usually in the form of hard labor.

Scout’s honor, I believe the man was born with actual super powers.

Like all great movie superheroes, he had his own theme song. Swarms of campers would sing it at the top of their lungs wherever he went. He would flash his trademark grin, wave like a celebrity, and keep on working.

🎶 “He’s our friend, he’s our pal, Ranger Bob!” 🎶

He had loyal and zany sidekicks. He went on adventures. He lived in President McKinley’s childhood stone house, making it his own Fortress of Solitude. A shirtless and very ripped Bob is immortalized in a framed painting still hanging above the salad bar of his favorite local diner on the side of Route 30 in Hanoverton, Ohio. Hands on hips, either about to fly into space; ready to lift a car over his head; or just teaching Botany Merit Badge.

The only thing he didn’t have was an arch nemesis. No epic villain battles or showdowns with a lifelong foe, except maybe a stubborn tree or rabid raccoon. It did come close once. I remember a very nuanced argument about the color of a hat someone wore. And that person disagreed with him. Ever the silent and strong type, Bob relented, as to not cause a scene. Weeks later, one of his sidekicks produced photo evidence of the hat with a handwritten caption, “If Ranger Bob said you had a brown hat, you had a brown hat”. His humble perfection was just another of his many superpowers that made everyone want to be his friend.

Ultimately, Ranger Bob was the action figure I wanted to be. Like a modern day He-Man (he had the power!), except he was just walking around the woods of a remote Ohio Summer Camp instead of Eternia. He made a small part of the world, and a few select people, exponentially more better.

So on this 87th Ranger Bob day, ChatGPT brought him back as a reminder to spend everyday becoming the action figure my 15-year-old self wanted to be:

• Go on adventures.
• Live life like a tall tale.
• Do impossibly hard things with ease.
• And make things more better.

Happy Birthday RB.